Why I Wear A Bow Tie

Original post: October 31, 2014

Ready to perform a marriage ceremony 

The Supreme Court recently declined to hear protests against the overturning of several same-sex marriage bans, instantly legalizing same-sex marriage in enough places that over half the US population could be guests at a same-sex marriage in their home states.  Well, Miss Janet was into marrying those couples long before it was popular everywhere.

I started at the Marriage Factory at her behest the day same-sex marriage was legalized in California - in 2008.  My first wedding joined a pair of women.  Proposition 8 was heavy blow to me.  I took it very personally, despite being in no way personally affected.  The wait for that same court's Prop 8 & DOMA rulings last year was long.

While waiting for all that hash to get settled, Jesse Tyler Ferguson of Modern Family started a website called Tie the Knot (tietheknot.org) that offers stylish bow ties through The Tie Bar (thetiebar.com), with most of the proceeds going to marriage equality organizations.

I dress rather formally when I go to the Marriage Factory.  If I dressed the way I do to go to work, couples would be getting married by a guy in a polo shirt & jeans - hardly "most important day"-worthy.  My wife thought I'd look good sporting one of the aforementioned bow ties, and bought one for me last year, before the court's decision.  I wore it the first day I married same-sex couples, and for weeks after.  After a while, I surrendered to routine and stopped wearing the tie.  It's hard to tie one well, and not every shirt looks good with a bow tie.

Earlier this month, she bought me the George Takei tie. George is not only Lieutenant Sulu, he is a gay rights icon.  I think it looks more like Eddie Van Halen's guitar from the "Jump" video than anything to do with Star Trek, but I wear it with pride.  Pride in a job well done.

Standing by for the next couple to marry

Tears & Kisses

Original post date: October 18, 2014

Some tales of tears and kissing:
The bride & groom have a Spanish wedding.  Both speak English but the family doesn't, including the bride's father.  The ceremony is lovely, and the couple are very happy.  Dad is also happy.  He is an older man, dressed in traditional western gear, and tears are running down his face.  His daughter explains that he is thrilled to see her married.

My next couple are women.  They also cry, very happy to finally be married, even though they are younger than me.  They were also very passionate.  I've seen many post-wedding kisses before, ranging from a dry peck on the cheek to the borderline pornographic.  These ladies - they knew how to kiss.  Quite beautiful.

I married several same-sex couples that week.  None were matchy-matchy.  Better luck to me next time.

A Runner's Job Is Never Done

Original post date: October 3, 2014

Miss Janet has often referred to the Hall of Records as the Marriage Factory - hence, the title of this blog.  That's mostly a joke about the way you enter as two people and exit joined as one couple. Sometimes, though, the analogy is closer than might seem appropriate. A couple weeks ago, I got to the Hall shortly before 9AM on Friday and there was a couple waiting to be married.  From that time until I left at 12:30, the desk was never free of licenses.

The clerks and I asked each other: why today? There didn't seem to be a numerological reason, no 8/8/08 or 11/12/13.  It was busy because it was busy.  By 10:30, it was time to engage a runner.

When an officiant finishes a wedding, it can take 10-15 minutes to get the next wedding ready: leave the wedding room, wait for an elevator, run to the desk, grab and examine the next license, call and assemble the entire wedding party, wait for another elevator, and get the party into the wedding room.

A runner is a staff member who gathers the paperwork and the wedding party and brings them upstairs to the wedding room.  A good runner can do all that while another wedding is happening, saving enough time to squeeze in an extra ceremony per hour.

From 10:30 to 12:30, my runner was bringing up a new couple + guests every 7-10 minutes.  I'd finish a ceremony and meet the couple in the waiting room.  They reviewed the license while the previous couple waited for their certificate and took pictures.  Once the new couple were ready, on we went with the wedding.  Repeat as necessary.  When the dust settled, we'd done 20 ceremonies in 3 1/2 hours.

Noted among them:
Not 1, not 2, but 3 male same-sex couples who dressed alike (or at least very similarly) to get married.  In 2 of the cases, the only way to tell the outfits apart was by the tie. That kind of synchronization is very unusual in other weddings.  Sure, there's color co-ordination - the groom's pocket square matches the bride's slip color - but the twinsies look seems exclusive to the male-male couples.

After a particularly joyous opposite-sex wedding, the guests formed a prayer circle.  Though I am not permitted to join any form of worship, the worship itself is certainly allowed. This one was serious, with praising and "Amen"s bouncing off the walls.  There was also talk of the wife's duty to surrender to her husband, as adherents surrender to the church. Not how I feel, but the couple seemed fine with it.  I hope their faith and joy last throughout their marriage, although I wouldn't press too hard on the "obey" part if I were him.

Fashionable Grooms

Original post date: October 19, 2013

Another busy day at the factory.  In my last post, I advocated legalizing same-sex marriage for the tourist windfall.  There's another reason: male same-sex couples have good-looking weddings, no matter their age.  The older couple I married early in the day had found the same monogrammed shirt in different sizes, and were wearing the same colored trousers and shoes, topped off with matching boutonnieres.  Casual, but stylish.

I had to wait until my shift was almost over for the best-dressed wedding.  The entire party were in black and white.  Two men and a bunch of female guests, all in clever variations on the same theme. It was clear that a guiding intelligence had put the party together. One of the women wore a white lace dress.  I thought she was the bride until the gentlemen in vests, one with a standard tie and one a bow tie, stepped forward.  While the ceremony was nice, the fashion show was better.

There was competition: a lovely purple wrap dress, a knee-length white brocade, and a full-length standard bridal gown.  The latter was in my last wedding of the day, which was also the largest.  The wedding room was full, all the benches packed.  The crowd urged the bride and groom through their vows, and when they were pronounced husband and wife, the place erupted.  I hope their marriage is as happy as their guests were.

Weddings & TV

Original post date: October 13, 2013

I watch a lot of television.  A LOT of television.

My tastes run toward single-camera comedies on NBC, live sports, and the odd crime drama, like BONES or THE BLACKLIST.  I don't watch reality TV, not even competition shows.  Luckily, my encounter with a contestant from one such show was very sweet.  She and her intended were on vacation in California and decided to make a wedding of it. She was not at all upset that I didn't recognize her.  I hope she has all the success in the world.

They were not the only pair from out of town.  I had couples from Utah, Colorado, and Texas.  All those tourist dollars floating into California, just because we let people marry each other.  You'd think in troubled economic times, most states would be smart enough to recognize that source of revenue. If not, hey, more for us.  Plus we've got the Wine Country for honeymooning.  It's hard to beat that.

The cutest wedding of the day was a color-coordinated one: bride & groom in red, black, gray, and white.  The ring bearers were three children between 5 and 8, all in ties, pinstripe waistcoats, and trousers.  They matched perfectly, like a set of formally-dressed nesting dolls.  Rarely do I feel underdressed in my officiant's robe.

I was also lucky enough to marry a couple whose store I patronize. It's great to join together two people who've formed both a life and a thriving business, especially since I could probably get a discount now.

Comment from my wife Sue:
I have it on good authority that Joe has seen almost every single episode of WHAT NOT TO WEAR, which is a reality show. There are definitely a few he's watched in the past but given up on, like THE AMAZING RACE and DANCING WITH THE STARS. Just trying to set the record straight ;)

Some Dudes Marry Other Dudes And My Mom's Cool With That

Original post date: October 6, 2013

Some dudes marry other dudes. Get over it.

So read the T-shirt of one witness for a same-sex male couple.  Indeed they do, in California and a growing list of other states and countries.  Some chicks marry other chicks, too.  And I help them get it done.  This week's couples included a double wedding, two pairs of women who'd been together almost 35 years and had all known each other even longer.

When I told my mother I wanted to start doing weddings to help same-sex couples get the same rights I had, she told me that I had confirmed what a good mother she was (just like Miss Janet!).  After all, if I cared so much about justice, she must have instilled that in me.  She was right.

You can imagine how devastated she was when Proposition 8 passed in 2008.  One of the main reasons for my enrollment at the Hall was gone, as was the image of the progressive nature of California.  She monitored the frustratingly slow pace of the challenges to both Prop 8 and DOMA.  She called me in jubilant voice when the Supreme Court issued its rulings overturning both, so happy about something that didn't directly affect her.  That's my mom.

Some dudes marry other dudes.  I make sure that happens.  'Cause my mama raised me right.

What's My Story?

Original post dates: September 15-17, 2013

The alarm rings at 7:30 AM.  I do not want to get up.  The bed is comfortable and the dog is snoring ever so slightly.

I turn on the bathroom heater and start the shower. 20 minutes later, I am clean and clean-shaven, wearing gray slacks and a button-up shirt.  I head downstairs to check email, bring in the local paper, and, if it works with the shirt, grab my bow tie. The dog is usually smart enough to stay in bed.

By 8:15, I am walking to the bus stop, where I buy the Chronicle.  If my timing is right, I catch a bus quickly.  If not, I may be late.  If I'm late, someone else will do my job.

The walk from the bus is about 10 minutes.  If I'm early enough, I pick up breakfast - a toasted cheese bagel with butter and orange juice - from the deli around the corner.  If not, I'll grab it later, if things slow down.

I walk through the door, greet the clerks, buzz into the back room, and it begins: 4 hours of joining couples in wedded bliss at the Hall of Records in Oakland.  I've been marrying couples every Friday morning since June 2008 - more than 2000 pairs.  Some Fridays are boring - 3 or 4 couples, with nary an interesting tidbit.  Other Fridays are non-stop - 15 couples, and every one's got a story.

How did I get started?  Why have I kept going?

My wife is in Miss Janet's book club.  Their meetings are grouped in sessions, and each session ends with a potluck supper.  I show up for the potluck because Janet usually makes something delicious involving meat.

During the potluck right after the state of California first legalized same-sex marriage, Janet bemoaned the shortage of marriage commissioners to handle the tidal wave of couples newly free to marry, and asked if anyone in the club wanted to join her at the Hall of Records.

I did some acting in college, so I have no problem standing in front of people and talking.  My wife and I had been married almost 8 years at that point, and things were (and still are) working out well, so I was (and still am) a big fan of marriage.  I had (and still have) gay friends, and the thought of them being denied a basic right was ridiculous.  Those seemed like good enough reasons to volunteer.

Anyone who's read this blog probably knows what happened next.  All the new folks and the pros gathered, oaths were sworn, vows were hastily copied and distributed.  The terror of ruining someone's perfect day gradually gave way to the contagious joy radiating from enfranchised people.  I got better at gathering groups onto elevators.  I massaged here and poked there and finally constructed the ceremony that said what I wanted to say about marriage: its obligations and its rewards.  I set to joining folks in matrimony.

Once the initial surge calmed down, a lot of the volunteers drifted away.  I liked the routine and the people, both staff and couples, and my boss was kind enough to bend my work schedule to keep Friday mornings free, so I stayed.  That was more than 5 years ago.

Working at the Hall of Records lets me evangelize and proselytize something I believe in firmly - marriage.

As I've mentioned, I am married, and happily so.  Marrying my wife has been the smartest decision I've ever made, and I've made some awfully good decisions.  Marriage has proved a stabilizing influence on both our lives, and enabled us to weather some rather bad storms.  I'm sure Janet would agree that having someone with you who's promised to hang around through thick and thin, for better or worse, in sickness and in health, makes getting through the rough times a little easier.

I am a satisfied customer not just of marriage, but also of the Hall of Records.  I marry people in the very room in which I got married, a twist I hadn't expected.  The Hall staff are kind people whom I consider friends, and they do their very best to help the soon-to-be-newlyweds.  The routine provides a nice grounding and a good end to each work week.

Most couples are at least a little happy they're getting married.  Some are so overjoyed that tears and laughter spontaneously erupt - occasionally simultaneously.  When you can spend a few hours a week helping people feel that good, and you're not breaking the law to do it, why wouldn't you?

Me, ready to go

Le Deluge

Original post date: September 8, 2013

It's been a long time since I've written.  A lot has happened.  I'll hit the highlights.

The week after same-sex marriage was legalized (or de-de-legalized), the marriage factory was empty.  I did maybe 8 ceremonies.  The next week, I did 30 in 4 1/2 hours.  Le deluge, indeed.  The couples were all grateful, and almost all sweet.  Standouts include the men who had matching bow ties.  I was wearing one as well, purchased for the occasion by my wife from Jessie Tyler Ferguson's marriage-equality-supporting company, tietheknot.org.

After the initial rush (20 ceremonies the next week, 18 the week after that), things calmed down, as I knew they would.  The average is 12-15 ceremonies, with the volume picking up toward midday. The summer has been busier, so I wasn't surprised to read that Miss Janet kept busy when she filled in for me.

Last week's couples were almost all dressed for the occasion, from those with one witness to a crew of 20 or more.  It wasn't until the end of my shift that I got a t-shirt & jeans couple.  Trumping all comers were a group from an African country.  Each woman in the crowd wore a different color.  They posed for pictures in the lobby, and it looked like a rainbow - so beautiful!  I also had two couples with English grooms.  That accent!  No wonder their spouses fell for them.

This week, there was an early wedding with a problem that pops up every once in a while: the member of the couple who does not speak English.  No worries for me if his/her language is Spanish - I do Spanish ceremonies every week.  This time, he spoke French.  My wife's French is good, but mine is non-existent.  As usually happens in these cases, there was a witness who was translating most of what is going on.  That person cannot translate the vows, however.  The groom must agree to the marriage without prompting.  The translator is only trying to help, but unfortunately, we must be rude and ask her to stop talking.  Luckily in this case, the groom understood enough to tell me that he wanted to marry his bride, and everything else went off without a hitch.  I used Google Translate to learn how to ask the necessary question: Voulez vous epouser BRIDE'S NAME?  Now I am prepared - unless the couple speaks German.  Then I'm out of luck.